The Mathematics of Attachment
My husband is a big Malcolm Gladwell fan and a few years ago he introduced me to the book Blink. If you are not familiar with Malcolm Gladwell, he has this unique way of taking trivial events and explaining how they affect us all on a mass sociological level. I have a horrible memory and I read the book years ago, but there is still a chapter that sticks with me. It featured an expose on John Gottman, a psychologist and MIT mathematician who can predict with 90% accuracy wether or not a couple will eventually divorce. Astoundingly, he is able to make his predictions after watching 15 minutes of video taped conversation between couples- and with 60 minutes of observation tape he is 95% accurate.
His technique is called SPAFF (specific affect) and it works by assigning number codes to every possible emotion that may arise during a couple's conversation. For example, disgust is scored a 1, anger is 7, whining is 11 and neutral is 14. Every second of interaction is assigned a number by a trained scorer, so that after 15 minutes of talking there are 1800 numbers assigned- 900 for each partner.
In a nutshell, Gotmann is trying to find the statistical ratio between positive and negative emotional interactions between couples. He states that for a marriage to survive, any given interaction must have a ratio of 5 positive emotions for every 1 negative.
Fascinating.
I can't help but wonder what John Gottman would predict if he watched a 15 minute video on our family. I'm not worried about my marriage at all, but it's the dynamic between me and my 4 year old adopted son that has me nervous.
Our adoption finalized over a year ago and the boys have been apart of our lives for almost three years. Surprisingly our four year old has been the easiest throughout this attachment journey- either that or the needs of his brothers have always overshadowed his own. But lately it takes all of me to make it through one day with him.
When I read other adoption blogs about mom's that are struggling, I so appreciate when the author's are specific about what exactly the hard parts are. Not because I'm nosey, but because I want examples. I want context. I want to know that she would get my life. I want to know I'm not alone. And so I'm trying to figure out how to specifically explain the battle I'm in right now with one of my boys. Battle is a strong word being that he is only four. Maybe WAR would be a better word :) Because don't battles have an end in sight?
Truthfully it's just a lot of little things all day long- and it starts that way from the get-go. He literally is crying about something within the first 2 minutes of being awake. Then throughout the day it's followed by more crying, flailing on the ground when he doesn't get his way, and going limp when I have to physically remove him from somewhere. He purposefully avoids eye contact by looking the other way or closing his eyes when I'm giving him instructions. He ignores his brothers when they are trying to solve a conflict with him, or he copy cats what they say. He has no interest in pleasing me and firm discipline makes it worse. It's like he is constantly playing a game called "if I can make Momma blow her lid, then I win." And let me tell you, he is wining.
I've often wondered if we are venturing into the the realm of RAD- you know, in 10 years am I gonna be like "Oh yeah I've seen this coming since he was four." That's one of the hardest things about adoption isn't it? We all know that intervening early leads to the best success rate. I'll be the first to admit that has me a little hyper-vigilent trying to figure out my kid's behaviors: Is this normal? Is he just strong willed? Is this a phase? Do we need professional help? Is it my parenting? Are we going to make it?
The big red flag for me is that he loves and seeks out attention from other adults. He's the kid who at the pool the other day when I looked up from putting out a fire with one of my other five boys had linked up with another mom and her two kids as she was politely swooshing him in the water. He's the kid curled up in the lap of a plumber who came to the house to make repairs last year. He's the kid that when he got hurt and his teacher was holding him in comfort, he refused to come to me when I came on the scene. He's the kid that will see me holding 15 grocery bags and come drape his body weight on me and ask "hug?" He's the kid who will climb in my lap under the demise of innocent snuggling and then eye my chest and purposefully rub his hands across it like he has been told 1,000 times not to do. He's the kid that loves to be passed around at church by anyone who will let him play on their I-phone, dig in their purse, or put his hands all over their face.
He's the kid who I would slay dragons for, but he's also the same kid who I hear crying while he is getting out of bed in the morning and I roll my eyes and mutter under my breath.
John Gottman would score rolling one's eyes as contempt. Through his research he has narrowed down "contempt" as one of four negative emotions that most predict the demise of a marriage. The other three are: criticism of partner's personality, defensiveness, and stonewalling (emotional withdrawal from interaction).
Clearly the odds are not in our favor right now. But, this ain't our first rodeo.
(Usually that phrase is said as a way to show experience and expertise. I'm using it to say- we are wrapping up a rodeo with our older adopted son and we're exhausted from it still. Who in the world signs up for back to back rodeos? )
But even in the midst of feeling exhausted I remember something- Mr. Gottman may have four negative emotions that foreshadow the demise of a relationship, but I know of three very influential positive ones that can tip the mathematic equation back in our favor. Faith, Hope and Love.
I don't mean that in a churchy- rose colored- all you need is love- God is good all the time- gotta wrap up this blog post on a positive note kind of way. Because frankly I don't feel positive right now. Said four year old just woke up from nap and you guessed it- cried about something in the first 30 seconds, then threw a fit when I offered that maybe he wasn't ready to wake up yet. But, at least I'm not rolling my eyes.
So yeah I don't feel it right now. But I believe in my head that God is a truth teller and so I make myself remember to trust Him. And He thinks Faith, Hope and Love are pretty powerful.
I LOVE my son. I do. I have FAITH that adopting our youngest three was God orchestrated as a redemptive plan. And I have seen firsthand what HOPE can do.
So hey John Gottman, Nevermind. We don't need your prediction after all.
We're gonna make it.
His technique is called SPAFF (specific affect) and it works by assigning number codes to every possible emotion that may arise during a couple's conversation. For example, disgust is scored a 1, anger is 7, whining is 11 and neutral is 14. Every second of interaction is assigned a number by a trained scorer, so that after 15 minutes of talking there are 1800 numbers assigned- 900 for each partner.
In a nutshell, Gotmann is trying to find the statistical ratio between positive and negative emotional interactions between couples. He states that for a marriage to survive, any given interaction must have a ratio of 5 positive emotions for every 1 negative.
Fascinating.
I can't help but wonder what John Gottman would predict if he watched a 15 minute video on our family. I'm not worried about my marriage at all, but it's the dynamic between me and my 4 year old adopted son that has me nervous.
Our adoption finalized over a year ago and the boys have been apart of our lives for almost three years. Surprisingly our four year old has been the easiest throughout this attachment journey- either that or the needs of his brothers have always overshadowed his own. But lately it takes all of me to make it through one day with him.
When I read other adoption blogs about mom's that are struggling, I so appreciate when the author's are specific about what exactly the hard parts are. Not because I'm nosey, but because I want examples. I want context. I want to know that she would get my life. I want to know I'm not alone. And so I'm trying to figure out how to specifically explain the battle I'm in right now with one of my boys. Battle is a strong word being that he is only four. Maybe WAR would be a better word :) Because don't battles have an end in sight?
Truthfully it's just a lot of little things all day long- and it starts that way from the get-go. He literally is crying about something within the first 2 minutes of being awake. Then throughout the day it's followed by more crying, flailing on the ground when he doesn't get his way, and going limp when I have to physically remove him from somewhere. He purposefully avoids eye contact by looking the other way or closing his eyes when I'm giving him instructions. He ignores his brothers when they are trying to solve a conflict with him, or he copy cats what they say. He has no interest in pleasing me and firm discipline makes it worse. It's like he is constantly playing a game called "if I can make Momma blow her lid, then I win." And let me tell you, he is wining.
I've often wondered if we are venturing into the the realm of RAD- you know, in 10 years am I gonna be like "Oh yeah I've seen this coming since he was four." That's one of the hardest things about adoption isn't it? We all know that intervening early leads to the best success rate. I'll be the first to admit that has me a little hyper-vigilent trying to figure out my kid's behaviors: Is this normal? Is he just strong willed? Is this a phase? Do we need professional help? Is it my parenting? Are we going to make it?
The big red flag for me is that he loves and seeks out attention from other adults. He's the kid who at the pool the other day when I looked up from putting out a fire with one of my other five boys had linked up with another mom and her two kids as she was politely swooshing him in the water. He's the kid curled up in the lap of a plumber who came to the house to make repairs last year. He's the kid that when he got hurt and his teacher was holding him in comfort, he refused to come to me when I came on the scene. He's the kid that will see me holding 15 grocery bags and come drape his body weight on me and ask "hug?" He's the kid who will climb in my lap under the demise of innocent snuggling and then eye my chest and purposefully rub his hands across it like he has been told 1,000 times not to do. He's the kid that loves to be passed around at church by anyone who will let him play on their I-phone, dig in their purse, or put his hands all over their face.
He's the kid who I would slay dragons for, but he's also the same kid who I hear crying while he is getting out of bed in the morning and I roll my eyes and mutter under my breath.
John Gottman would score rolling one's eyes as contempt. Through his research he has narrowed down "contempt" as one of four negative emotions that most predict the demise of a marriage. The other three are: criticism of partner's personality, defensiveness, and stonewalling (emotional withdrawal from interaction).
Clearly the odds are not in our favor right now. But, this ain't our first rodeo.
(Usually that phrase is said as a way to show experience and expertise. I'm using it to say- we are wrapping up a rodeo with our older adopted son and we're exhausted from it still. Who in the world signs up for back to back rodeos? )
But even in the midst of feeling exhausted I remember something- Mr. Gottman may have four negative emotions that foreshadow the demise of a relationship, but I know of three very influential positive ones that can tip the mathematic equation back in our favor. Faith, Hope and Love.
I don't mean that in a churchy- rose colored- all you need is love- God is good all the time- gotta wrap up this blog post on a positive note kind of way. Because frankly I don't feel positive right now. Said four year old just woke up from nap and you guessed it- cried about something in the first 30 seconds, then threw a fit when I offered that maybe he wasn't ready to wake up yet. But, at least I'm not rolling my eyes.
So yeah I don't feel it right now. But I believe in my head that God is a truth teller and so I make myself remember to trust Him. And He thinks Faith, Hope and Love are pretty powerful.
I LOVE my son. I do. I have FAITH that adopting our youngest three was God orchestrated as a redemptive plan. And I have seen firsthand what HOPE can do.
So hey John Gottman, Nevermind. We don't need your prediction after all.
We're gonna make it.
posted by Christina at
5:55 PM
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